Because why do it when you can overdo it?
1. Macaron ice cream sandwiches from Snow Dragon Shavery in Chicago. Sweet, sugary, chewy, and messy. The French would be proud.
2 & 3. The Funfetti cake from Bud & Marilyn’s in Philadelphia, and the Taster cake from Choccywoccydoodah in London. The Funfetti cake speaks for itself, really. It’s just a massive piece of everything you’d want in life. The Taster cake gives you a taste of each of the shop’s cake flavors, such as chocolate, lemon, ginger, coffee and coconut. It’s layered with truffle fillings, coated in chocolate, then served with raspberry sauce and even more dark, milk, and white chocolate slathered on top. The ice cream is just there to help wash it all down.
4. Dessert pizza from Dogs ‘n Dough in Manchester. It’s a pizza dough base covered with Nutella, an obscene amount of chocolates and sweets, topped with the sauce of your choosing and icing sugar. Ignore the takeaway box. You’re not taking any of it home. You’re eating it all there because you won’t be able to stop yourself. You’re also going to ignore the guilt and shame that follows. Because it’s not a guilty pleasure, just pure, sweet pleasure.
5. Sugar cookie pie. I whipped up this bad boy by chopping up loads of frosted sugar cookies and baking them pudding-style in a pie. If you’ve not met your soul mate yet, this may be it.
6. Cheesecake from JW Steakhouse in London. It may not look totally insane, but you have to understand the sheer size of this cheesecake. It’s got to be at least 6″ in diameter, 4″ tall, and 3,500 miles too far away from my mouth.
7. Key lime pie from Redstone in Marlton, NJ. I’ve been on the hunt for the best KLP since my youth, and this one has the #1 rank so far. They give you at least a fifth of the whole pie. American portions FTW.
8. Reese’s cake, though it should have a far less innocent name. I made this for my husband’s birthday a few years ago. It was Reese’s cake layered with fudge, ganache, dulce de leche, and an entire Reese’s cheesecake, covered in frosting made solely from Reese’s peanut butter cups and butter, and topped with chopped PB cups and more chocolate. I have yet to lose any weight associated with the consumption of this cake.
9 & 10. Milkshakes from Black Tap in NYC and the Mt. Vesuvius sundae from Franklin Fountain in Philadelphia. These milkshakes. You’ve seen them. You may have had them…if you’re willing to wait in line for a few hours. They’re just plain outrageous. Mt. Vesuvius is a ridiculous version of a malted brownie sundae. It’s served in a container so big that you should bid your family farewell before indulging due to the food coma you’ll endure afterwards.
11. Beer and bacon cake. Also affectionately referred to as the Man Cake. Slightly unassuming in appearance, the cake was made using pumpkin ale and the frosting was made with bacon fat, butter, and sugar. Much more assuming than initially assumed.
And there you have it! Eleven insanely huge, sugary, fattening, over-the-tippity-top desserts that you need in your life, and then again in your afterlife because they’ll also probably kill you.